iPhone 4G Exclusive: It’s weenerific!

Should the guy who lost the iPhone 4G prototype be shot, waterboarded, forced to read Kim Kardashian’s tweets for ever, or merely skinned alive for this egregious hate crime?

As you, the world, and the inhabitants of the Gliese 581 solar system know, someone loses an iPhone 4G prototype in a restaurant. Someone finds it. Gizmodo buys it for $5,000 and all flights to Europe are cancelled while we try to think of a way to blame the French for this mess.

Surprisingly, in the middle of all this one thing seems to have been completely overlooked: It turns out that the iPhone 4G is actually a phone.

Among its most innovative features is its portability. It is so portable that you could drop one in a bar and not notice. It has no wires and doesn’t plug into anything, apparently it works “wirelessly,” whatever that means so, you can’t even pull on something and dig it out of the cracks in the sofa.

It retains human bodily secretions and oils on a flat surface and keeps them for long periods of time. You can tell someone has one because their sleeves are often greasy from where the phone has been rubbed too often. At first, we thought that this was the genius of Apple, making a device that when rubbed grants you three wishes, but it turns out you have to dial a number before you can connect to other phones so, it is pretty much the same crap as an Android phone or even, dare we say it, the Kyocera.

But, the most ingenious thing about the iPhone 4G is that it makes gay porn soooooo much easier. So, the indignation that many Guys with iPhones suffered is over. No longer does a nekkid guy have to hold on to his skivvies while balancing a phone in front of a mirror, all the while trying to give an inviting look of super coolness. I have to assume that chicks don’t go for that kind of things because it has never worked for me. Anyhow, all a guy has to do is just point the camera at his weener and have it up in no time. The picture. The camera points backwards now. Ingenious. Point at weeener, see weener, click to take picture. It’s weenerific. Guys with iPhones are the biggest demographic for the iPhone 4G.

Damn you Apple employee for spoiling the surprise.