Los Angeles (CA) – From the outside, the Turin XL looks like any other computer. Open it up and look inside and you’ll find a gelatinous gob of goo at the heart of the motherboard, and organic tubes snaking their way around the case. This is the world’s first computer to use bio-manufactured circuitry. It is also the first computer that can adapt to fight malicious software or viruses using biochemical defenses.
The Turin XL’s built-in defense mechanisms can detect malicious software attacks and unauthorized access using a number of unique biocircuit gateways. Once an attack is detected, the biocircuitry heats up releasing a noxious vapor. An attack is treated in much the same way as the human body treats an attack of bacteria therefore the release of fumes from the computer’s innards is as much a cleansing ritual for the biocircuitry as it is a warning to users. In short, when the Turin XL senses malicious intent in its circuitry, it farts.
Among the first users of the Turin XL is ambassador to the world, and general good person, Bono.
“Everyone farts. I know that I do, as do many of my famous friends and world leaders, and I think that once we realize that the world is filled with people, everywhere, every color, every creed, and every religion, and they’re farting, right now, as we speak, then we can find common ground among all the people of the world. Peace is the fog of the future. Someone said that once. I am pretty certain it was someone famous that I met at a gathering of very famous people somewhere really nice. Not Dublin. I know it wasn’t Dublin. I think it all relates back to farting.”
The Turin XL is the brainchild of Swiss post-graduate student, Sag Aphrilis. He first came up with the idea while researching the development of primitive neural networks in Mayan culture.
“I was suprised to find that the Mayans, all those years ago, had found a way to map the human brain. Of course, their maps were very primitive. In fact, they thought the brain was a sort of hair fertilizer and they would harvest the brains of human sacrifices in order to make a remedy for baldness. They thought bald people were icky. I’m not sure I agree, but I am very wary of bald people since I did my doctoral thesis. Weird, huh?” said Aphrilis.
Aphrilis has set up his company in Bangalore, India, and calls the company, L Support Services. As Aphrilis explains, he was forced to hire a number of people from a local outsourced call center and they already had a set speech, really cool names like Ricky and Toby – so, why make things more difficult? “Many people find it difficult to adjust to the Turin’s defense mechanisms. It takes a little getting used to, and technical support is our biggest cost really. However, once we explain the wonders of our tooting computers, everything is okay and I think it gives our users a sense of calm and security. I encourage all my people to break wind regularly so that they can feel a connection to their work.”
The Turin XL is also unique in needing water to function at peak performance. It’s organic circuitry, much like other living things, would die without water.
“Yes, I did lick one once, during a particularly long spell of hot weather,” says Aphrilis. “I thought it tasted like chicken.”
Bono, on the other hand, has nothing but good things to say about the Turin XL, “I remember playing Scrabble with the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and Nelson Mandela, and my computer just rips one off right there and then. It was a particularly nasty worm or something. Well, I was just mortified. Here I was, on the verge of breakthrough, not only was I going to get a triple word score but I had convinced the three of them to appear with me and the lads on tour in North Africa, for peace and all, and my computer is farting like crazy. I think they saw the humor in it, but I never got them to sing together, though. Did I tell you about meeting the President? Sometimes I feel like a world leader because, I keep meeting all these other world leaders and they’re so into me, and I am so into them, and it’s like an exclusive club. We are all so into world peace, too. Talk about nothing else.”
Aphrilis is planning a new machine, the Turin XXL: It will run on a bag of Doritos and a can of Red Bull. He is not sure it will fart, but he is pretty certain that it will sweat.
UPDATED: April 2, 2009 – 12:01am CDTNow that April Fool’s Day is over, the managing editor of TG Daily would like our readers to know that this article was published in that vein, and does not represent real news. It is humor, compliments of our writers.