Valentine’s Day! Sunday! Must buy her crap.

That’s right, idiot, two more days before you supplicate yourself at the altar of mawkish crappiness that is St. Valentine’s Day. Why not buy it something that you can steal back for yourself later. List mania!

You know you hate Valentine’s Day. You know, you do so, why waste your good money, gained from illicit pot deals in the office john, or at the back of Chuck E Cheese? You don’t have to, see? You can just buy this stuff and take it back when it is not looking. Genius.

10. Bionic Sno Wovel – this is so friggin’ awesome, it defines awesomeness. No stinkin’ girl is going to take this away from you and how can a guy not love it. It’s also a fun thing to talk about after a quart of vodka. Sno Wovel. Say it, Sno Wovel!

9. Michelin Pile Driver work boots – figure how to get out of this one yourselves. As far as the benefits go, this is the coolest work boot around. You wear a pair and you’ve got a pair, you hearin’ me, buddy.

8. Hooters Casino Las Vegas – who doesn’t love a vacation? Who?

7. Samsung’s 55″ LED screen – who doesn’t love television? They don’t deserve you if they don’t, my friend, they don’t deserve you.

6. Lindsay Lohan – the buzz is that she will go with you for money and you know she goes either way, too. Safest gift ever! You can tell your pals you had Lilo on the pillow. That’s a funny story after a quart of vodka and the bit about Sno Wovels. Life is good.

5. 2010 Audi R8 4.2 – if you can afford one of these things then you are truly an idiot for getting Valentine’s Day advice from us. Dude, ditch the partner. Keep the car, and just sit in it; that’s got to be worth three dates wherever you are.

4. Personal Flying Suit – it doesn’t exist, yet, but the promise of one is guaranteed to get you in a compromised position. It’s on the NY Times so, you can feel legit all the way, baby!

3. The Lost DVD Boxed Set – because it takes repeated viewings to figure out that it is all a futile attempt to stretch out a 12 episode story arc into a syndication-proof 100 episodes of bull. There, I said it. But, what do I know. Everyone loves this piece of exploitation.

2. Two weeks at The Hobbits motel – I kid you not. World class Hobbit accomodations are a big turn on. Think big Hobbit feet. Yeah, you know what they say about big Hobbit feet, donchya!

1. Plus Size Fashion – First of all, we love Dawn French and her designs. Shout out to our girl! Second, you know that Victoria’s Secrets is not going to do her any favors. Just go with it. There’s more of you to love. Hey, look at me, I’m no prize. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever works.