While we don’t usually sympathize with criminals, we can usually follow the mental steps that led them to make the choices they did. Frequently, crimes are committed because of desperation, or for the thrill, or because of a temporary lapse in judgement.
These are feelings we’ve all experienced to some degree, though either to a lesser degree or with less felonious results.
Take home burglaries for instance. Typically, they’re driven by a desire to make a quick profit. The thief will enter a home and hunt for things that are both valuable and easy to carry (with things like cash, jewelry, guns, and electronics topping the list).
That said, there’s a burglary about every 18 seconds in the U.S. and not every one of them is going to have an easy explanation. In fact, some perpetrators do things that, frankly, come across as rather odd. As in, “You’re not gonna believe this” odd.
Stealing your valuables and getting out before you come home is the behavior you expect from a thief. But when they stick around, or steal a toilet instead, everyone’s left scratching their heads.
The upside is that all this weirdness makes for some pretty funny stories, and we’ve collected a few of our favorites to share with you. So read on for a good laugh, and just be glad it isn’t your toilet that was taken.
Fire sale
As mentioned above, typically when someone burgles (yes, that’s a real word), they’re planning on taking things. Our first story is an example of someone trying to do what amounts to the opposite.
Some Pennsylvanian homeowners back in 2014 were in the process of selling their home to one John Pfeiffer Jr. for just over $400,000.
The deal was all but closed, and the homeowners were spending their final night in the house, when they caught Mr. Pfeiffer burglarizing the house. You know, the one he was going to own in just a few hours.
They thought that was pretty weird, so they did the smart thing and called the police.
Upon arriving, the police found latex gloves, cans of lighter fluid, and wood chips in Pfeiffer’s car. Apparently, the man had never had the funds to pay for the home, and had planned to use a counterfeit cashier’s check to purchase it.
When that didn’t work out, he had to find a way to cancel the purchase. But rather than back out of the deal in some way that made sense, he had planned to burn the house down in order to cover his trail of lies.
In a sense, his crazy scheme to back out of the deal worked, albeit at the cost of charges of burglary and criminal mischief. It certainly seems like mentioning he had changed his mind would have been easier.
(Photo) shoot yourself in the foot
There’s a surprisingly large number of criminals that get themselves caught because they stop to take selfies or update social media during the crime.
Consider exhibit A, one Ashley Keast who broke into a U.K. home, only to snap a quick photo of himself in the house while he was hunting for valuables.
The picture wasn’t even the real problem. It was the fact that he posted it to WhatsApp, and unknowingly sent it to coworkers of the victims.
Needless to say the photo made it easy to identify who was being robbed as well as who was doing the robbing, and police were able to find Keast lounging at home. They also found the Rolex he stole (worth £4,000) hidden behind his radiator.
He must have found arguing his innocence to be rather difficult, since he pled guilty in 2014 and was sent to jail for 32 months as a result.
Pizza perp
Some burglars have accomplices: getaway drivers, fellow thieves, insiders who can give them access, etc. No one expects those accomplices to be elementary-age children. Then again, good help is probably as hard to find in crime as anywhere else, and you work with what’s available.
Such was the case of Montego Logan who, with his two young daughters in tow, broke into an Oklahoma City home and, well, made himself at home.
This included baking a pizza for himself and his kids, wearing the homeowner’s slippers, and even welcoming the homeowner into her own home when she returned.
Due to some form of mental confusion, intoxication, or both, Logan apparently believed he lived in the home, according to Oklahoma City police. In fact, he was even polite to the officers that the actual homeowner called, welcoming them into the home as well.
It was only when asked for proof that he lived in the home that he became combative.
He was quickly apprehended by police, and ultimately charged with burglary and assaulting police. His daughters were taken into protective custody and the victim, though shocked and bewildered, was unharmed through the whole experience. No word on who got to eat the pizza.
Isn’t there a commandment about that?
Occasionally, the weird part is not what’s done during the burglary, but who’s committing the crime. It’s especially jarring when the perpetrator is someone you thought you knew, and perhaps trusted.
It becomes comical when the perp is someone who, by all rights, should be expected to be a model citizen. Like the chief of police, or Clark Kent.
Take the story of Serita Agnew, a resident of Dallas, Texas. On Christmas Eve, while out of town visiting her daughter, she received a phone call from her church’s pastor, Sandy McGriff, whom she had known for around a decade.
During the call, she let slip that she wasn’t at home for the holidays, and that was apparently all the opportunity her pastor needed.
McGriff broke into Agnew’s home through the kitchen window, and proceeded to remove some $10,000 worth of goods (including electronics, purses, and clothes).
The nearby neighbors thought it was weird for a woman of the cloth to be taking valuable items out of a house and stuffing them in her car, so they wisely called the police.
When the cops arrived, they found McGriff toting fur coats, and she insisted she had been asked by a friend to take them for safe keeping. The police also thought what she was doing was weird, and decided to call and verify that story with Agnew.
She told the authorities she had no idea what her pastor was talking about.
Taking McGriff into custody proved difficult, as she slipped out of cuffs twice, and attempted to scratch at officers as they tried to restrain her. Eventually, she was taken down to the station, charged with burglary and resisting arrest, and spent most of the holiday in jail.
A 1-step Facebook addiction recovery
If you have that friend who can’t seem to tear themselves away from social media, tell them the tale of Nick Wig. Back in 2014, Wig broke into a Minneapolis residence where he stole a checkbook, some credit cards, a watch, some keys, and even some cash.
Then, apparently, he decided it was a good idea to log into Facebook on the victim’s computer. He made an even bigger mistake, though: he left it logged in.
The victim, James Wood, came home to find his home burgled, and his computer—rather oddly—logged into a stranger’s account. He filed a criminal complaint with the police office to report what was stolen.
Later in the morning while Wood was driving around the neighborhood, Wood spotted a man that looked suspiciously like the one from the Facebook profile that had been on his computer, so he called the authorities.
The officers found Wig wearing the very watch he had stolen from Wood, and with several other stolen items from Wood’s house on his person.
Without much of a way to argue his innocence, Wig admitted to entering Wood’s home and taking the items, and promised to give everything back. Sadly, that won’t get him out of his second degree burglary charges so easily.
