Hiding the Outer, Fatter You

We may be wrong, and generally we are often wrong, but this time we smell a genuine trend of epic proportions. Yes, the corset, the girdle, the bodice thinner for men is making great strides, just in time for a particularly bodice opening holiday. If it were only a minor fad, or novelty item, we would laugh, oh how we would laugh. But nay, there are clear examples of flab fighting, figure hugging undergamentry in the MSM and, just like seeing Panda’s mate in captivity, we may be witnessing something epic and yet unnatural.

First, there is the Equmen, once tried and tested by Dave McGinn at Canada’s The Globe and Mail:

“Putting on an Equmen shirt is not easy. The tank top I tried was so tight that I needed my wife’s help to squeeze it on. It was like trying to cram into children’s clothing. And once on, it provides the feeling of being packed in shrink wrap. But that’s the point, since it’s meant to pack in your belly. “We’ll take an inch and a half to three inches off your waist,” Flint claims. “

Then, there is Jim Ray at MSNBC on the RipTFusion:

“If you’re the kind of guy who’s willing to drop $60 on a T-shirt designed by one of P. Diddy’s previous stylists, then you’ve probably wasted plenty more money in the pursuit of self-admiration. It won’t transform you, Bruce Banner-style, into something you’re not, but it might prompt you sit up straight a little more often. No word on whether the next version will also remind you to call your mother.”

How can this not be part of a giant cosmic singularity that promises to make eating the whole pizza, and not just a few damn slices, joyful and guilt free again? I asked myself that question repeatedly, and I concluded that we will all, some day, be wearing clothing that holds our insides in, and stops them from oozing onto the ground as we stroll to our hover litters.

It’s like Diet Coke except it is Diet Shirt. You can wear it as much as you like knowing that every minute you have it on you are striking another blow against obesity. We are on the crest of a wave of fashion here, folks. A few days before Thanksgiving, too. It is a sign from above. Does it have anything to do with technology?

Sure, technically these things are a marvel of fabric engineering, but it is only a few days to Thanksgiving, like I said, and being less than svelte leading up to the actual day is a handicap that I will no longer tolerate. I can do better than that. My undergarments can do better than that. So suck it relatives! Cause I’m going to be sucked in all the way!