Black Friday? Cyber Monday? WTF Wednesday?

Like most people, we’re easily confused by all those strange names marketeers apply to days of the week in order to pressure people to buy yet more stuff they really don’t need. In line with our policy of public service publishing, we’ve put together a simple guide to the plethora of marketing gobbledegook coming at ya…

Those days of the week in full:

Black Friday
People queue all night outside stores in order to be first in line to trample a sales assistant to death in order to save $1.99 off the price of a new TV.

Cyber Monday
People too fat and lazy to walk to the store on Friday buy a new TV on the internet. Sales assistants breathe a sigh of relief.

Tumescent Tuesday
The most popular day of the year for people with erectile dysfunction to buy unbranded meds from spam emails.

Wombat Wednesday
Statistically speaking, regardless of the embarrassing alliterative adjective/animal naming convention, all new versions of Ubuntu are downloaded on Wednesday. Every Wednesday, that is. Not one day a year. There’s lots of them. That’s what makes Ubuntu better than Windows – 52 versions a year means lots more copies out there.

Patch Thursday
Microsoft releases security patches and bug fixes on the first Tuesday of each month. However, due to large file sizes and slow broadband speeds, they don’t complete downloading until 48 hours later.

Freaky Friday
An extremely poor film from Walt Disney.

Silicon Saturday
Angry mobs of fundamentalist Jews protest outside Intel factories in Israel because there’s a security guard on duty with his feet up on the reception desk when he should be putting his feet up at home.

Syber Sunday
As an equal opportunity gesture, dyslexics are offered all the benefits of Cyber Monday, but in a non-judgemental way and a dya ealry.

See Also
Black Friday: Who’s kidding whom?