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Staten Island, New York – In a graphic and pungent demonstration of natural selection in action, a New York teen fell into an open sewer because texting was more important than looking where she was walking.
In what has been described – rather aptly – as a freak accident, the freak in question, 15-year-old Alexa Longueira, obviously from the shallow end of the gene pool, was so busy texting that she failed to notice an open manhole in front of her and plummeted five feet into a pool of a rather more noisome nature, scraping her back and arms and losing a shoe in the process. Despite the trauma, she had the presence of mind to hang on to her most precious possession, her mobile.
Longueira described her draining experience as ‘really gross, shocking and scary.’
The manhole had been left unattended by Department of Environmental Protection workers while they unloaded warning signs and cones to protect it. Workers fished the girl out and her mother reacted as would any caring parent, by phoning her attorney to instigate legal action against the department.
Rather tragically, the department didn’t tell the Longueira family where to stick it and issued a fulsome apology that will no doubt leave them open to an enormous damages award:
“DEP is conducting a full investigation of what happened during a manhole incident on Victory Boulevard where workers were flushing a high-pressure sewer,” said a DEP spokesperson. “We regret that this happened and wish the young woman a speedy recovery.”
It is not known if the legal action will be extended to cover the maker of the cellphone, the telco in question, the family’s ancestors for passing on the stupidity gene and the creator of the universe for failing to exercise due care and attention in the intelligent design of the Longuiera family.