Copenhagen Climate Summit: Analysis

So, where are we after two weeks’ of yet another ‘last chance to save the planet’ angst fest?

Pretty much where we were before. Move along, nothing to see here.

Those conference highlights in full:

Thousands of delegates, media and sex-industry workers fly in from around the world. Extra stretch limos are rushed to Denmark from Germany because both the local ones have been booked. Hookers offer cut-price action to conference delegates provided they promise not to exhale harmful CO2 whilst screwing.

The African delegation walks out in protest at Denmark’s insistence that the agreements signed at Kyoto didn’t count because they had their fingers crossed when they signed.

Emerging nations justifiably complain a bit when the developed world, that has been burning fossil fuels with gay abandon for a few centuries in order to build global empires, turns round and tells developing countries with plentiful oil and coal reserves that it would be a jolly bad thing if they actually used those resources to generate enough electricity to power a hospital fridge containing vaccines and one 100W light bulb at the same time.

There’s at least one hospital in Rwanda, what on earth are these people complaining about?

Saint Al Gore makes a heartwarming speech using shocking new statistics to show sea levels are set to rise by 90 meters in the next five minutes. Protests by the scientist whose work Gore has deliberately misinterpreted are quelled as he is led away by Men in Black, never to be seen again.

Massive protests threaten to disrupt the whole conference. Sadly, no one has bothered to tell the hippies waving placards outside the conference center that they are actually protesting for the summit rather than against it.

Tragically, these misguided zealots, weak with hunger from eating only fair-trade muesli and driven insane by listening to Enya CDs, fail to notice that they’re hastening the demise of baby polar bears and simultaneously setting back the cause of AGW by a couple of centuries by appearing on TV as a bunch of deranged imbeciles.

In a shock development, the president of the conference quits and is replaced by the Prime Minister of Denmark. No one notices, not many killed.

Barack Obama files in at the last moment, takes the Indian and Chinese delegations to one side, points a gun at their heads and insists they sign a non-binding agreement to do something unspecified within an unspecified timescale. World rejoices, planet saved, eco-fireworks set off.

Conference ends, everyone pats each other on the back, fills in their expenses for the two week holiday and promises to meet up in a couple of years to do it all over again. Hey! If you’re ever down Denver way, be sure to give us a call!

UN hails conference as ‘a triumph’. Not many convinced.

Meanwhile, world fails to warm up, sea levels fail to rise, Al Gore becomes even richer and scientists continue to lie about climate statistics in order to get adequate research funding. Everyone else on the planet continues to concentrate on the crucial issues of the day, such as whether reality TV personalities’ records hit the Christmas Number One slot in the charts rather than records produced by people with even a passing knowledge of music and the ability to play an instrument or sing without recourse to AutoTune.

Merry Christmas, everyone.