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Next-gen iPhone ‘to lose telephony functions’

Maentwrog, Wales – Reports are emerging that the upcoming refresh of Apple’s iconic iPhone will contain an integrated magnetometer, aka a digital compass. This would enable iPhone users to work out which way they were headed (usually back to the Apple Store to hand over more cash) and would enable the device to offer better navigation facilities.

Other rumored features include a laser rangefinder, infrared night vision camera, altimeter, depth gauge, attack alarm, taser attachment, baby alarm, breathalyser, reading lamp, TV remote, auto-ranging multimeter, guitar multi-effects processor, 802.11G wireless router, pregnancy tester, scanning electron microscope, food processor and an attachment for removing stones from horses’ hooves.

A new iPack battery module, priced at just $99.99 and measuring just 30x18x9 inches will be available and extend battery life to an impressive ten minutes. An optional iWheel pack will offer increased portability.

According to industry watchers who requested anonymity, the rapid increase in functionality means some infrequently-used features will have to be dropped. Voice telephony, which is never used by iPhone owners, is to be scrapped, along with the contact book as research has shown that iPhone users have no friends.

The new phone will, however, have a new labor-saving demo mode that will allow users to set the phone on a table in a bar or restaurant and leave it to bore people to death by running through its impressive list of features.

The phone comes with passive infra-red detection technology and will automatically start a two-hour multimedia presentation of its features whenever it detects three or more people in a six foot radius. This time-saving feature will obviate the need for users to have to do it themselves, allowing them to go off for a drink.

Branding for the device has yet to be finalized, but sources claim the front-runner is currently the iStyle Victim.