iSlate: the advantages of the biggest smartphone ever

When Apple launched the iPhone it was one of the largest phones of its type in the market. This gave it certain advantages that few spoke about…

For instance with a tiny phone, you had to put the thing right in front of someone’s nose to get them to notice you had a cooler phone, with an iPhone you just had to hold it up and pretend you knew how to use it to make a call to get noticed. The iSlate is vastly larger and it is expected to have a number of stunning advantages most have not yet thought of.

Sleep Aid

This is a phone device that will likely weigh in at around two to three pounds. If you are having trouble sleeping and, like most, don’t use a blue-tooth headset you can have a friend call you and the act of rapidly lifting this to your face will likely knock you out. 

Think of all the money you’ll save on sleeping pills or ear plugs. One quick call, a thunk as the phone hits your head and its sweet dreams until someone tosses water on you, the bartender tosses you out into street, or the EMTs arrive. Granted it may make wake up calls counterproductive but think of this as Apple’s way to ensure you don’t have a substance abuse problem with sleeping aids and give a different meaning to the term “knockout product”. 

Butt Warmer

A typical cell phone, even an iPhone, isn’t even large enough to cover one cheek but this thing is as big as a small cushion. Think of those times when you have to sit in a cold stadium to watch a sports game or on a bench to wait for a bus. Just place the iSlate under your butt and because it is on all the time it should remain nice and warm and provide a cold barrier that keeps you hind quarters toasty and if you get a call and have it on vibrate it should even provide some of you with a special treat. 

Make You the Ring Tone Alpha Dog

You notice how in events a lot of people don’t put their iPhones on vibrate and instead entertain the room with ever louder and more annoying custom ring tones?  Well given this thing is at least 10x larger its ringer should be around 10x louder. With the right ring tone you could have folks diving under tables and running for the exits. No one will be able to out annoy you and it will clearly establish you as the ring alpha dog in any room. Granted if two of these things go off at once you may go deaf, but such is the price of leadership. 

Eliminate Driving Distractions

I’m sure you’ve seen folks who drive and text or look at their iPhones. While they may weave around a lot and sometimes end up into other folk’s trunks it is clear that the small screens are allowing driving to distract from their texting or phone use. Well with a 10” large screen you won’t even be able to see the windshield let alone anything in front of the car. The iSlate should eliminate the distraction that driving makes to your web browsing and email reading while putting you in the running to win next year’s Darwin awards.  

Fashion Assurance

One of the current fashion trends is for boys to wear their pants down around their knees so that their under shorts are in fashionable view. Few adults pull this off well and even the youngsters seem to struggle with how low the pants should go. Putting an iPhone on your belt has little impact on the need to drive pants even lower, it just isn’t heavy enough, but putting one of these iSlates on belt should not only drive the pants down lower but the weight might even cause the legs to become shorter which could optimize this fashion statement.  

Granted you may need two of them to get a balanced look but I’m sure Apple wouldn’t mind selling you an additional iSlate or even more of these if you wanted that heavy weight droopy pants look.  You could start a new fashion trend, ankle pants, plus the dragging sound off all those iSlates would clearly tell people you have arrived! 

Face Shield
Especially with us guys sometimes our mouths get us in trouble with our significant others and we suddenly discover that our faces have a lot of relatively sensitive nerve endings. An iPhone, even if it is close to our face, provides a poor shield and chances are if we held it up it would simply become a new ornament permanently driven through one of our cheeks. 

But these iSlates have mass and there is a reasonable chance that it would either stop the blow, causing the attacking hand to sting, or spread the impact across a wider area and reduce the potential pain significantly. In addition because these things likely will have a camera pointing at our loved one/cosmetic surgeon we can capture that moment from our perspective for that quintessential Facebook moment. We could even call the results iPissed photos!

Wrapping Up

I’m sure you folks can be vastly more creative than I can in coming up with new and creative ways to use an iPhone with a 10” screen. An iPaddle to discipline kids, a way to assure your lowered car isn’t lowered too much (the iPhone is too thin for this), something to stand on while changing your tires in the rain, or a vastly better doorstop then an iPhone could ever be have all already been submitted by others. 

As we wait for Steve Jobs to launch this and wonder whether this is another “hobby product” like Apple TV was, (hint where is this announcement being held?), imagine Steve Jobs demonstrating your favorite new feature. I’m thinking face shield with Steve holding the device and Mike Tyson testing the function would be fun. 

What do you think?