Apple’s 2014 plans will make Christmas 2013 kinda sucky

It’s Christmas, and there’s probably a lot of Apple shopping going on. Everyone is thinking, Yay! I am getting me some cool new Apple stuff. Have the iPad Air, the iPhone 5S, and even the new Dyson-esque Mac Pro? They’re obsolete, idiot. You should have waited until 2014.

WTF, Apple? Way to kill Christmas for your users with all the rumors and the, Hey, next year is going to be awesome-r than this year.

Here’s what’s making the rumor mill churn for the fanboys and creating obsolescence for today’s products:


1. Wraparound Display


According to DigiTimes Apple is rumored to be planning a larger size iPhone for May 2014, using a 20nm processor manufactured by Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Company (TSMC):

DisplaySearch noted that Apple was under increasing pressure to catch up on display technology because, Samsung and LG were doing a better job of leveraging new display technologies:


Apple’s competitors, led by Samsung with its Galaxy series, have been rapidly adopting higher-spec displays. The Galaxy S-IV and Galaxy Note III have full HD (1920×1080) AMOLED displays, 5” and 5.7,” respectively, and there are indications that that a future Galaxy Note will have a flexible AMOLED. Samsung is also expected to release a new Galaxy Tab with a >10” AMOLED screen. Meanwhile, other smart phone brands like hTC, Huawei, Nokia and Sony are all gearing up with higher resolution, larger displays, as are the tablet PC makers, led by Google and Amazon. With the rapid evolution of technology and expansion in manufacturing capacity, advanced displays are more accessible, and it is necessary for Apple to bring its supply chain to the next level and take advantage of its integration capabilities.


Then, we get the whammy. Patently Apple, which, granted, tends to have a small orgasm every time Apple farts in the patent office, comes up with this:


This morning Patently Apple discovered a killer patent application from Apple that was published in Europe. Apple’s killer invention describes flexible wraparound displays for a possible future iPhone and/or other devices. The patent describes sapphire and transparent displays used in a form factor created by an alumina powder liquid-metal process. Apple further describes some very interesting applications taking advantage of this kind of continuous wraparound display that could be ideal for a future wristband computer that we reported on earlier this year. Without a doubt, this patent application is one of the best of the year – so check it out.   

So, you are stuck with the crappy iPhone 5S, even if it is the Gold one, and just around the proverbial space-time continuum corner, there is an iPhone with a wraparound screen, allegedly, that will let you squeeze and poke and prod your iPhone in ways that only a fanboy can dream up.

That’s right. Your iPhone 5S is obsolete. It doesn’t have a rotating, super-scrolling, high-tech, liquid schmiquid metal thingamajig build. Merry Christmas, idiot.


2. Hover Touch and Heart Rate Monitor


Apple Insider, which tends to orgasm as much at Patently Apple when it comes to its god, has it on good authority that (ie, they can read stuff online):


Apple on Tuesday was granted two iOS device-targeted patents, one for a “touch and hover” display panel that is made more accurate by compensating for signal drift, and another for heart rate monitor that can be seamlessly integrated into a handset. 

The newer of Tuesday’s patents, Apple’s extensive U.S. Patent No. 8,614,693 for “Touch and hover signal drift compensation” describes a system in which a touchscreen display can accurately determine both hover and touch events. 

Okay, I will grant you, the Hover Touch thing is a tough cookie to crack from an engineering stand point. So, good to have. Hover menus are pretty ubiquitous. Yay, Apple, you probably didn’t use any of your geniuses at your stores to help you on this one. Probably saving them for something really important, I reckon.

Heart Rate Monitor: well, we knew that was coming, but did Apple have to tell us that now that we have an iPad Air, and it is going to suck mightily next to iWhatever 2014 which will let you have a totally awesome new UX/UI thing with hovering and it will let you track your beating heart as it races with joy at the same time.

WTF, Apple. Couldn’t you have just said something like, “For all of our loyal customers, and bearing in mind that we have $147 billion in cash, we are going to give you a 10% discount for Christmas. Or, we are going to feed Africa. Or, we are going to beat the crap out of AT&T executives for having such lousy coverage. Pick any one, or all of them, our loyal customers. We can afford it!”

You could have taken the high road, Apple, and let your fans have a simple moment of unadulterated joy this Christmas.

3. Tim Cook going all 2014 on us.


But, no, then along comes your damn CEO and creates headlines with, Expect big things in 2014. Headlines. Drool. Rumor. Apple is going to make giant tablets etc. etc. Everything is going to be bigger.

Again, your iPhone 5S – which is designed for people with the eyesight of an eagle, the fingers of a one year old child, and the dress sense of a Kardashian – is probably going to look an anorexic supermodel next to what you have coming in 2014. Curves, and size, and power. Yeah, baby!

Except, you just got the iPhone 5S, idiot, and it is obsolete.

By the way, Cook did say that Apple has raised tens of millions of dollars for charity. But, notice how they have raised that money. They haven’t given any away. I am not impressed.

Basically, old Tim is proud of the fact that the company is still the elitist bastard entity that it is and is secure in the knowledge that its customer base is not going anywhere because, it never does, and will just buy whatever they come up with next irrespective of what they bought last time round and when.

I mean, it could be that Apple underwhelmed us this year with its launches so, it wants to lay the groundwork for greater stuff next year. However, I choose to think of it as an elitist bastard corporation. Let’s stick with that storyline. It’s more realistic.

I mean, it’s bright shiny objects time in Apple world, all the time. A perpetual state of anticipation. Baa, baa. Yes. I am talking to you, Apple fanboys. You are one giant flock of sheep that Apple just herds to its heart’s content.