Groupon pays people to procreate

Now, here’s a nice little wheeze. You want to make a fabulously generous offer as part of a marketing push, but you don’t want to have to give any money away for at least another eighteen years.

Not easy, is it? But online coupon site Groupon has managed it, with an offer of a college scholarship to be awarded twice a year. The catch? It’s only available to the chidren of parents who can prove they used Groupon on their first date.

“Our crack team of nosy researchers will investigate if you have, in fact, gestated a true Grouspawn. This may include talking to friends and family, delving into your personal life, and taking samples of fluids you didn’t even know you had,” say the organizers.

“By the time your spawn turns 18, college will cost a million dollars a second and will be located inside the moon, so it’s worth it.”

They do concede that, on a first date, it might be a little difficult to explain exactly why you’re collecting evidence. So, helpfully, they provide a list of excuses, ranging from “I take photos because I lost my short term memory saving orphans from a rollercoaster accident,” to the somewhat less seductive “My college guidance counselor said I would never go on a date. Will you help me prove him wrong?”

While some might say there’s just a whiff of bribery about the whole affair, the organizers deny this. “We do not encourage you to have children simply to be awarded the Grouspawn prize,” they say.

And with only 111 members on its Date Assistant site at present, you’d have to be either very lucky or not at all picky to find a suitable mate.