Are your kids getting high on virtual drugs?

Ah, yes, the digital age is truly upon us. Forget about getting high on pot, quaaludes, speed, blow, acid, heroin, opium and yes – whip-its. That’s right: digital is in, baby.

Now you can turn on, tune in, drop out and i-Dose.

All you have to do is find an online dealer willing to hook you up with MP3s capable of inducing what some users describe as an ecstatic high on par with marijuana, cocaine, opium and peyote.

“I-Dosing involves donning headphones and listening to ‘music’ – largely a droning noise – which the sites peddling the sounds promise will get you high,” explained Wired’s Ryan Singel.

“Teens are listening to such tracks as ‘Gates of Hades,’ which is available on YouTube gratis. [And] while street drugs rarely come with instruction manuals, potential digital drug users are advised to buy a 40-page guide so that they learn how to properly get high on MP3s.”

Indeed, according to Singel, Oklahoma’s Mustang Public School district has cracked down on the digital drug phenomenon by banning shiny Apple iPods in the “hopes” of preventing annoying and over-achieving honor students from becoming “cyber-drug fiends.”

C’mon, seriously?! Can i-Dosing really make you high?

Well, not according to Stir’s Cynthia Dermody, who bravely decided to try the exotic digital concoction – for the sake of science, of course.

“I just listened to a digital drug called Gate of Hades while staring at a picture of a scary devil goat. It sounded just like a dreaded vuvuzela that never stopped, so I turned it off after 10 seconds,” Dermody reported.

“It did not make me high, it gave me a headache. But I’m sure a teen in the right frame of mind and a will to be rebellious might feel…something. [Still], I’m not sure I would confiscate my child’s iPod over the possibility…Frankly, I think Kenny G and Celine Dion do a lot more harm.”

Damn straight. 

Besides, analog bongs will never go out of style, as any self-respecting Grateful Dead or Phish fan will tell you.