BOND bike boasts flame-thrower and ejector seat

A new bicycle to be unveiled in London next week boasts the ultimate deterrents for aggressive motorists and thieves: a flame-thrower and an ejector seat.

British insurer ETA was inspired to create the bike after surveying its cycling customers to find out what features they’d most like to see incoroporated. It’s dubbed the machine the Built of Noxious Deterrents (BOND) Bike.

Apparently more than half of cyclists said their biggest problem was cars and trucks passing too close, leading to the obvious addition of the flame-thrower. And the ejector seat aimed at cheering up the seven percent who worried most about theft, as a way of getting one’s own back.

Poor road conditions such as potholes bothered a quarter of respondents, so ETA has included an all-terrain caterpillar track over the rear wheel. Meanwhile, the two percent most bothered by the cold are given a ski blade.

“I had nothing to do with the design – that was done by someone I call Q. I simply ride it. I like the flame thrower best,” said Andrew Davis, director of ETA’s bike insurance arm

“Wannabe James Bonds will be disappointed to hear that we have no plans to sell the BOND Bike, but it shouldn’t be necessary for cyclists to resort to flame throwers to get a little consideration on the roads. Correct road positioning and an assertive riding style can dramatically reduce cars and lorries passing too close.”

Assertiveness being a lot easier to achieve when one’s got a flame-thrower at one’s disposal, obviously.