FDA set to do some buzzkilling with caffinated alcohol

United States government nannies are readying a ban that will kill the buzz of thousands of college students across the nation. We will soon be able to add caffeinated alcohol drinks to the list of things that that we do not have permission to consume.

That’s right, if you were one of the many people liked to drink malt beverages with caffeine in them you better start hoarding them. Pretty soon you will be viewed as a scumbag criminal for daring to drink the forbidden nectar.


Thanks to the corrupt Food and Drug Administration and the guy who knows our bodies better than us U.S. Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D., N.Y.), Four Loko, Joose and other fruity, alcoholic beverages will no longer be able to contain caffeine.


Phusion Projects LLC, the maker of Four Loko, the best-selling caffeinated malt beverage, decided to cave to the pressure and remove the stimulants themselves ahead of the regulatory efforts.

“We are confident that we will continue to grow our brands and remain innovative,” Chris Hunter, a co-founder of Phusion Projects, said in The Wall Street Journal.

The company’s manufacturers have already stopped making caffeinated versions of Four Loko. Phusion did this after trying in vain “to navigate a difficult and politically charged regulatory environment at both the state and federal levels,” he said.

The federal party pooping is scheduled to be released Wednesday, which means Tuesday night will be a very sad state of drunkenness for many people. The regulations are the result of some rookies who basically couldn’t handle their poison and wound up in the hospital or died.

Phusion’s drinks are being blamed for people’s idiocy basically.

Before you go saying I’m insensitive, the people who got themselves in trouble and hurt themselves were doing other things besides drinking these malt beverages. How many people really think that drinking one of these things will kill you dead on the spot?

There is a thing as responsible drinking you know. Don’t mix a bunch of different types of booze together and blame it on the caffeinated malt beverage. Moderation is the responsibility of the consumer.

Their head rush in a can Four Loko comes in a color-splashed 23.5-ounce can and contains up to 12% alcohol by volume. That’s pretty strong isn’t it? Sounds like a good quick buzz because it’s fruity flavored, it probably goes down easily too.

No wonder why kids at colleges love this stuff!

This beverage is being banned for health reasons; they say that the caffeine masks the effects of the alcohol. So, thanks to the nanny state your favorite liquor store’s shelves will be safer to navigate.

Never mind the fact that you can still go to the store and buy a 16 oz. Red Bull and a can of Steel Reserve and basically mix the same thing up yourself. This piece of regulation is still very logical!

Most sophisticated consumers of ethanol don’t drink caffeinated booze. But there is nothing wrong with selling it to people who want a cheap energetic buzz.

This regulation doesn’t make much sense when you really think about it. It will not stop people from mixing caffeine with cheap alcohol. The only thing it does is show that the socioeconomic elite in government have little respect for our right to choose what we put in our bodies.